Being single?

12.15.21

  Well, it is Official!  I am legally divorced.  It's been long enough coming but finally, at long last, I'm single again.  Yes- I'm OLD too... How on earth does one DO this thing again??

  This is something I never thought I'd be saying again but here I am:  single. Do I like this feeling?  After a few days of living with it, I am Liking this Just Fine.

I'm my own boss once again, I can come and go as I please ( without fear of being questioned about where I'm going, who I'm going to talk to, and so many others-- Ugh) Happily, I haven't a problem living alone. There are some women who quite simply cannot. Having always been alright with it, there wasn't a problem this time.

 Sure, there were SO SO Many hangups I had to work through, face and put them aside. I had a lot of anger to face head-on too. All remnants of a marriage that really hadn't shouldn’t have happened. If I had been thinking clearly, there wouldn't have been one at all. We tried hard to get along but it just was not meant to be. Emotional and mental abuse was rampant and it seemed to be a competition of sorts. Who could be the most wicked and hurtful?

Would I, if I could, do it over again? No freaking way in hell. Many life lessons were learned by me. I can't speak for the ex-spouse.  I learned what I would never tolerate in my life again, and how to speak up more clearly. Those are a couple of things I come up with now- but believe me, there are many more lessons learned.

Do I like being divorced again? Not sure on that one. I do like being single though. Over the months, I have met some great men, but no one special. All fun, intelligent and enjoyable- but no, no one serious.

One day right before Thanksgiving, I was thinking of how it would be grand fun to know someone close by. One that I could easily call and say- 'how about a movie?'   With no strings attached...  I jumped into the dating scene with both feet. Decided to try that Match.com group. 

Holy moly! Men showed up like crazy!! Some were totally scammers, pretending to be looking for Ms, Right. HAHAHAAAA!   Been there, bozos. Many just got tossed in the proverbial garbage can. Then one or two sounded like real nice guys. We corresponded some and got along alright....but. No sparks. The phrase " hope we can be friends?"  became my motto.  

  Then out of the blue, a man showed up in my inbox - he was nice looking and had the most gorgeous brown eyes I'd seen in a long time. We chatted on the site when he wanted my phone # so we could chat that way. I thought - that'd be fine. We exchanged phone numbers and so it went. He joined the social media group so we could chat that way too.

 For the ladies here are the stats:  he's taller than I am (whew), younger than I am, German, and omg, that accent!! He is an engineer ( owns his own company) and from what I can tell from little we have talked about it- very talented in all the things that go into this. Let's seeee- what else. He had a wonderful relationship w/ his parents, has a daughter, divorced and we hit it off. The meeting is in the near future - and yes, I know all too well about being so very careful in this. 

 With this bit of excitement added in, life is getting better and better. It is so nice to have found ME again. A better version of the "me" that was around 20 years ago. I am looking forward to whatever the future brings me, Cleo, Simone and Briana. I think we're all happier now after the hell we went thru.

                                    Looking forward and walking forward!

Christmas Memories :)

 12.15.20

I still celebrate Christmas as I grew up with it all around me. I love the holidays so much!

This time of the year, I think of the past and all the good things that have happened during my life.

One that came to mind just now was of me and my MoM in the Episcopal church during a midnight eve service and singing songs that are so well remembered...

We were singing with the others in the church... "The First Noel"

My MoM turned to look at me, and she had tears in her eyes... we held hands and sang that whole song for just each other that cold Christmas Eve so many years ago.

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The Christmas Pony

I easily can recall the best Christmas I had. I was ohhhhh...10 or 11, I think. I'm not entirely sure but it was one heck of a wonderful holiday for this horse-crazy little girl.

For as long as I can remember, " a horse'' was always at the top of my Christmas lists. It didn't matter what kind, what color, or anything. A horse is all that mattered. Ponies? No- A Horse.

That year, my mom had been rear-ended on her way home from work. Had she not remembered that big sheet of plywood she was bringing home, she would have been killed. The guy who loaded it for her said it would be okay loose, as she was heading directly home.

Wouldn't you know it? That was when someone pulled out in front of her and she had to slam on the brakes. That's when the sheet of plywood went flying. Thank the gods, she had the forethought to lay down in the seat and it went over the top of her. The car behind her hit the rear end of the Rambler we had at the time. (at least that's what I remember about it- my older siblings would remember it all much better) Other than bumps and bruises, she was alright... The car didn't fare as well though.......

My parents had some friends who had a kazillion kids and we were all good pals. There would be afternoon visits with the grown-ups talking and the kids would have a great afternoon playing around their farm. There must have been a least 100 kids,or so it seemed.. there was always someone to play tag with or to climb trees or play in the hay-mow...

OR-- To pet their ponies!! That's where I would be during each visit... looking over the fencing those ponies. Dreaming of how much fun it would be to gallop across those big fields. Every time, we all came home dirty, dusty and totally worn out.

One year we took a drive to visit the Clanton family and again- it was a total blast. This time, however, two of the girls got one pony from the pasture and asked if I wanted to ride? Me??? Of Course I Would. I was told that this pony was just being trained and didn't know a whole lot so I had to be patient with him; that he was just 3 yrs old. I was and we got along pretty good, but that he sure had his own ideas of how a pony ride should go... and they were not in my list of how a pony ride should go for a ride. I fell off and everyone was laughing as this pony stopped to look at me on the ground in complete surprise. I dusted myself off, got the reins again, and clamored back on. Off we went once more and this time I had learned his tricks. It was a better ride this time and I was in love w/ this little pony.

On our way home, we all were still finding hay or straw in our clothing or shoes when my mom asked me what I thought of the pony I'd ridden.

"How does she know I rode a pony???" I thought... I said that it was okay. After So many horses belonging to someone else and no chance of Me ever owning one, I'd learned to not get very excited over it all.

My dad drove along in silence, and then she said

"Merry Christmas''

Why? It was only the middle of December. We all looked at each other wondering what was going on. That's when my mom told me that the pony was my Christmas gift and he would be arriving a couple of days after Christmas.

All of this was hard to believe for a little girl who knew there was no chance of her actually owning her own horse. We were very poor back then and it was tough to make ends meet, without having another mouth to feed. Eventually, on the ride home, I was thinking how much fun my own pony could be. We could ride through the trails all thru the forest, go visit friends and do many more wonderful things. By the time we got to our house, I had already dreamed up the perfect barn for him to live in and brushing him until his coat shined like silver.

Turns out that buying Dusty took all of the money my mom had gotten from the insurance company payment... The rest was up to me. I had to save money for a bridle and saddle. They said they would be able to buy feed/hay and straw for him, but nothing more. < sigh>

That knowledge didn't bother me much as I knew there were ways I could make enough money to buy a saddle or bridle. It would take me a while, but I could do it.

Oh my, did the days drag byyyyyy.... Christmas was a splendid day with fresh turkey and all the trimmings plus all of the gifts we got from our parents and "Santa Claus" I think we all went to bed feeling very lucky and loved.

Finally, it was time for Dusty to Arrive!! My horse-crazy neighbor had given me some of her old brushes and an old towel for wiping his eyes or nose, plus to get the dust from his coat. She and my mom had been friends ever since they were children and I think she enjoyed knowing a kid who loved horses as she did.

An old panel van came up the drive and stopped. I knew it was a pony delivery but WHERE was the pony?? The middle door slid open and there was my pony- he had ridden in between the front and middle seats the whole way to our house. I was pretty well speechless when he jumped out and walked up to me. The kids said that they had purchased a new halter and lead for me because they knew I wouldn't have any. It was so kind of them and I gave them all big hugs.

As they drove off, I realized that it was All up to me now. My dad and I had gone pony shopping and I'd bought a new pitchfork, a rake, and another lead I think, plus another brush. I had very little savings but had the best time shopping for "my pony". My dad even told the cashier that I was shopping because I had a new pony to care for. She told me to wait right there and came back with a little dish to give him food in. Free!

She said she was a horse person also and wished me the very best with him.

That was the beginning of a long and interesting love affair that sometimes was a very unhappy one. I grew like crazy but Dusty didn't. He had a lot of tricks he had not let me know about and I was able to teach him some cute tricks. He would perform them Only if there was food involved or he just felt like humoring me.

I loved him so much even so, and he taught me many things I never would have learned had it not been being owned by a "pony".

The pony below is Not Dusty but they looked so much alike I thought to share Eli's photo here :)

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Christmas Memories

As many of you who follow along here know that I owned a small carriage business. One year, we were asked to come to a nearby town for rides during their town had its Christmas celebration. All the stores stayed open late and there were carolers strolling along the sidewalks, delicious mugs of hot chocolate and muffins were available and the lights.. Oh, those lights!! All sparkling and looking so gorgeous in the misty rain. The whole world seemed to be sparkling for that evening. Lynn and I were having a great time giving rides, and I swear my mare was smiling all the time too. Turns out Lynna LOVES fresh oat muffins! Everyone must have heard about the big white horse that loves muffins, because everyone who came to ride, had a muffin.... Hahaha- I had to ask if I could 'save' them for her barn friends, which worked well. It stopped my mare from getting an upset tummy and also that a one-ton lovely stopped mooching from anyone that walked by... I slipped each one into my basket that I tried to have with us every time.

There were families, friends, couples a whole assortment of people who wanted a ride. We had already been paid by the town so the rides were free. We still got tips though which was wonderful. At first, I tried to tell folks that we had already been paid, but still, I was handed money because, well, my mare & I did such a good job in spreading that "Christmas" joy. It sure wasn't hard because the holiday was and still is my favorite one.

Towards the end of our evening, things had become a little quiet as people were heading home. Lynn was relaxing while still hitched- she would actually doze! Her ears would flop out sideways, and her head would drop almost to the pavement. I knew she was taking a much-needed 'power nap' and I let her.

There was one little guy who had hung around most of the night- standing back away from us, but still there. I noticed him again during that last hour, standing on the outskirts of where we stood. I waved to him and he waved back, smiling. He wasn't all dressed up as the other kids had been; I figured he was living nearby and didn't see a reason to be all dressed up.

It looked like there wouldn't be any more people wanting a ride, so I waved him over. He came walking carefully and told me he knew he had to be quiet around a horse. That his grandpop had told him that. We chatted for a little bit and he kept looking at my carriage all decorated for the season.

" That sure is a beautiful wagon, ma'am" he said. I told him it was a 'carriage' and one could tell because it had seats in it for people to sit in. He nodded at this information.

" Sure is purty....... and that horse! It's so BIG!"

We talked about what breed Lynna was and I explained a little about her harness, and some other stuff. He was so full of questions!

He asked if he could touch Lynn- he looked at her like he'd never ever seen anything so wonderful. I told him- why not do one better?? He looked at me in surprise... ' What is that, ma'am?'

“ Climb up here and sit beside me in 'the box seat'. “

His eyes got so big, I figured he was speechless at hearing this. Once he heard how to make the climb, he clambered up and plopped himself down next to me. Again- ear to ear grins on his face. I told Lynn to 'walk on'- but she was already asking if she could go. I thought for a second he was going to fall off the seat! And those questions continued- how tall is she? What does she weigh? What does she eat? How long can she walk? What's her last name and more. Did she have any children? Ohhhh that little guy was full of them.

He started to tell me about him and once started, there was no stopping. His mom had died when he was small ( he was just 9 yrs old) and his dad was sick, so he lived with his nanny and grandpop. Then his grandpop had died in the Autumn- I thought to myself that this little boy had handled more in his 9 years than many adults had in their whole life.

I told him that when people die- I always thought that they went to heaven and see all of those stars up there? That's how they see us down here on earth. He was dead silent with that. " Really??? My mama and grandpop are up there, looking at me right now??" 

" REALLY."

'Yep, that's what I think', I said... He took all of this information in and must have pondered it - he was so quiet.

" ok- so if they can see me, why can't I see them?"

(oh my.)

"Because the stars are so far away, that they won't show up when we look... but they can see us. I talk to my friend all the time when there are stars showing"

Hmmmmm........

I told him when he feels lonely or sad, all he has to do is look out his window and wave at them. They'll see him. That created a smile... and he shyly waved at the sky

" Hi Mama and grandpop. I hope you can see me really well up here in this big Carriage. I have been having the best time tonight and I want to be a carriage man when I grow up"

" I guess that's all , but I love you both and Nanny does too and so does daddy"

I was driving along, teary-eyed over this great little fella. He looked at me and grinned, tears in his eyes also. I handed him the lines and told Lynn to walk on. He held those lines like a little pro- and even turned her on the correct street to come back to where we were supposed to be. I don't think a little face could smile any bigger. Naturally, my mare was perfection that night for my littlest driver ever.

We both got big hugs from him and he was still smiling as he ran off down the street calling

" Merry Merry Christmas to you, lady!!!!"