3.24.18 /Facing Reality.

"I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain

I am the voice of your hunger and pain

I am the voice that always is calling you

I am the voice, I will remain
I am the voice in the fields when the summer's gone
The dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow
Ne'er do I sleep throughout all the cold winter long
I am the force that in springtime will grow"

''Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal''.

The above quote is from an old Irish headstone... and yes, I still miss her. The grief comes in waves by now. I will be fine for a little while, and wham!  The fact that I'll never ever see her again hits. That never again, will I hear those soft nickers for me only. Never to laugh at some of those antics belonging to only my mare. So many memories, good and very few bad. It all seems as though life has done a total change, but it's the same. I go thru the motions: smile, laugh, but it is an act. Inside I am still falling apart from losing a best friend of 26 years. Longer than anyone in my life, but family. She and I went thru divorces, incredible sadness, pain, and yet so many wonderful things. Moving from one place to another, from one pasture to another... from one barn to another. Much the same yet totally different. We always had each other to share those good times and those awful ones. She knew all my secrets, and I knew hers, although there weren't many.

 I know one day the memories will be able to be talked about, just not right now. The tears of sadness are just behind these eyes, waiting for a reason to fall. People tell me that she's "up there'' watching over me and that it will " be alright". It seems like yesterday, although over a month since I made that awful choice, and it is as fresh as that afternoon. It's worse than losing my mom & dad so long ago, I think, sometimes.

So now what? 

I have been thinking that a memory stone would be nice... Just need to decide on kind/ size, etc... but not yet. When it rains or snows, I still want to cover her grave to keep her warm and dry. Yep- that's what horsewomen think when they have loved, truly loved a horse. We are not insane- merely overcome by the grief that losing a precious animal sends. Of course, we are good at hiding it from all others but those close to us. But on the inside? Broken... 

Even though one knows this sort of loss IS coming, I don't think we are ever prepared. Who would have thought a one-ton horse would get stuck in a stall so terribly that there was simply no way to help her get up again?  I did. In fact, I thought that she would get down one time, not being able to rise again and it would be up to me.  It was up to me to choose life or death for a friend for so very many years.

So- to all those who have loved and lost, remember I've been one of the thousands for a very long time. However, This loss has all but done me in, as I knew it would.

''I'll be fine, I've got myself, I'll heal in time
I cry but I'll make it through
And I know that the sun will shine again
Though I think of you now and then...

I'll be fine, I've got myself, I'll heal in time
And even though our story's at its end
I will think of you now and then...''